“You have granted me life and living kindness; and Your care has preserved my spirit.” Job 10:12
Nicholas and I had a beautiful and challenging first year of marriage. He was hired as the registrar for a seminary in Cincinnati a little over a month after we had been married. About three months after our marriage, we found ourselves moving to Cincinnati for his job—this was a joyful and welcomed change, and we felt the Lord working in our lives. But it also carried its challenges with it. I had to commute to university for about the last two months of my time there. Then I graduated from college, and I had to find a job. I found a wonderful job at a local Montessori school, but I then had to adjust to working. In September, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I then picked up a second job at a local high school as a writing coach. Nicholas then experienced the loss of his beloved grandmother in October— may perpetual light shine upon her—and I had never dealt with a loss before. And through it all we were trying to establish new relationships, lay the foundations for our marriage, and struggling with infertility.
And so when I returned to our mission statement, sometimes amidst tears, there was always one line that stood out.
“We commit ourselves to keep station at the Cross in anticipation of the resurrection, trusting in Christ’s Mercy and desiring to lead each other and our children towards heaven.”
We committed to remain with each other and with Christ in the midst of suffering. But we also promised to anticipate the resurrection. We promised to remember our joys and our hopes. And we have been given joy and hope abundantly.
My heart expands daily by the grace of Christ so that I can not only better receive Christ’s love, but also the love of my husband, which I see expand and deepen daily. One of the true gifts of marriage is that I receive Christ’s love primarily through Nicholas, my spouse. I find that through God’s grace, my capacity to love Nicholas grows daily. And despite the many sufferings and trials we have experienced thus far, despite the weight of the cross of infertility, my cup is truly over flowing with joy and love. The Lord has truly saved the choice wine for last, and He has bestowed it upon us.
I have been blessed with the mysterious and beautiful grace of healing over the past year of our marriage. Dealing with my anxiety while also trying to figure out our infertility was very difficult for me. My anxiety often left Nick feeling unimportant and unnoticed. My worry about our infertility often left him feeling that I was trying to carry that cross all by myself. My anxiety crippled my ability to live and love fully. It prevented me from seeing the beauty in Nicholas’ love and our marriage. My anxiety shut me in and kept Nicholas out. And it is gratitude that became the light streaming in through a tiny window in my soul.
The Lord truly uses our marriages to heal us. And so it was not only counseling, which taught me to slow down and notice the good, but also Nicholas’ patient love and care that brought me to a place of gratitude. It was easy to focus on what was wrong in our marriage. We were both hurting, we both felt the weight of the cross of infertility, and we were still trying to figure out how we function best within our marriage. There was so much that on the surface appeared broken in our marriage. In my anxiety, I focused on that. But Nicholas was so patient and loving with me. He saw me in my brokenness, and knew what my heart needed. The Lord used him to begin healing my heart. And it started with Nicholas asking me to notice him.
At first, I was confused. Of course I noticed my husband. Of course I knew that he loved me. Of course I knew that I was loved by him and by Christ. But then I started intentionally adding in moments when I focused on all the good in my life. I ended my day not only by examining where I had fallen, but also examining the moments that brought me joy. And I thanked God for them.
The abundant grace that has poured out as a result of gratitude has transformed my heart and my marriage in just a few months. I see the graces and blessings that the Lord has given us. I see the love we share and our desire for children as a tremendous good and blessing. I have seen Nicholas become more affectionate with me and I with him. And I am able to thank God for this beautiful Cross, for I have seen how in breaking our hearts the Lord has given us new hearts. Through this Cross the Lord has drawn us closer to each other and closer to Him. Christ has used our brokenness to create in us a deeper vulnerability in our faith and in our marriage.I am now able to treasure the time I have with Nicholas before children come. I am able to see the tremendous blessings and graces within our marriage and daily life. At times I feel broken, and I hurt deeply, but instead of shutting up within myself, I turn to Christ and my husband with my brokenness. It is gratitude that has given me joy within the Cross. I am able to praise the Lord, knowing that He is good and His Mercy endures forever. I have been drawn into a deeper trust through this Cross. I have seen my heart, my husband’s heart, and our marriage transformed through this struggle.
Through it all, Nicholas has been my rock. He is the head of our domestic church, and so I know that as Christ said to Peter, “You are Peter, and upon this rock I will build my Church”, so too, he says to my husband, “Upon you I will build up the domestic Church.” I have been blessed beyond measure in my marriage. I am grateful for my husband’s daily efforts to make me laugh, smile, and rejoice with him. I cannot express how these daily little joys expand my heart’s capacity to give and receive love, aided by Christ’s grace. Nicholas is truly the one for whom my soul has longed. He reminds me to turn more deeply to Christ in my times of need. I cannot begin to count and measure out all the joys of our marriage. But to him, I know I can truly say, “Your care has preserved my spirit.” In Nicholas’ love for me, I can truly see that God has “plans for our welfare and not for woe. Plans to give us a future full of hope.” Jeremiah 29
Nicholas and I are in the midst of a great Cross in our marriage. But we are keeping station at the cross together. This is not a cross we have to carry alone. This suffering has brought us closer together, and for that I am grateful. The suffering has taught me to look for gratitude so that I can know joy and peace. And we are not at the Cross alone. Christ helps us to carry it, and when we are at the foot of the Cross, Our Lady of Sorrows, Mary Magdalene, and John remain with us. We have all the saints in heaven helping us to work through this pain. And we know that there will be a resurrection.
Perhaps the greatest blessing from the cross of infertility has been the living out of our mission statement. Our children are not yet with us, but we offer this suffering and this struggle for them. We have been challenged to hope, to have joy, to have gratitude in the midst of. Great sorrow. We have renewed ourselves in Christ’s mercy outpouring from the Cross, and then dared to hope. We dare to remain with Christ, even when all hope seems lost, and to hope for the resurrection. We have been challenged by this struggle, but we have been renewed in faith. We hope, month after month, for new life. And it is our gratitude for each other, our faith, and the joys of our marriage that makes carrying this cross with joy possible.
And so, I would like to take a moment to praise God for the gift of infertility. I want to thank the Lord for forming my heart and Nicholas’ heart in the image of Christ’s Mercy through our sufferings. I want to thank Jesus for the grace of gratitude. I want to thank the Lord for the grace of humility. I want to thank the Lord for using this struggle to break down the imperfections of myself, my husband, and our marriage, drawing us to His Sacred Heart. And I want to thank Nicholas. Thank you, for all your care and patience. Thank you for holding me, month after month, as I cry. Thank you for reminding me to hope and to love. For encouraging me to live fully. And thank you most especially for encouraging me to be grateful. It is through gratitude that my heart has been opened up more fully to Christ and to you, and the grace that has poured into my soul and our marriage from that openness to gratitude has astonished me. Through encouraging me to remain open to gratitude, Nicholas, you have helped to restore our joy.
“The Lord remembered us in our low estate, for his mercy endures forever; Freed us from our foes, for his mercy endures forever; And gives bread to all flesh, for his mercy endures forever. Praise the God of heaven, for his mercy endures forever.” -Psalm 136
This is the second post in a series for National Infertility Awareness Week. You can read the first post here: Put Out Into the Deep